The Haunt

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“I feel like I’m haunting my own life,” is how I described my creative state of mind while sheltering in place during the COVID-19 pandemic.

I’m here, but I’m not quite me. I’m less than I was, but still going. I’m engaged, but not fully there. Sounds horrible, doesn’t it, but also understandable.

We’re locked down, limiting our movement and activities. We’re trying to restructure our lives to work within new constraints. There’s a pandemic rushing around the world. Most government responses leave something to be desired, to be kind.

We’re tired, disoriented, afraid, and unsure of the future. No wonder we feel bad. No wonder I feel bad, like a ghost in my own experience.

But you know what? I’ll take it.

At least, like a ghost, I’m still here and still going. I haven’t given up and am holding on by sheer will.

At least I’m still in my own life, even if I feel insubstantial. I’m still here, if currently an echo of myself.

At least it’s an approximation of me and my creativity.

And if nothing else, like a wandering spirit, I might just find a way back.

So know what? I’m going to take this sensation, this echo of my usual creativity. At least there’s enough me to have this sensation to feel. I may not be at 100%, but at least I’m at some percent.

Besides like a ghost I can find a way back.

Not quite feeling yourself? Of course you don’t feel like yourself, we’re in a terrible situation. As long as you feel enough like yourself to keep going, you’ll find a way forward.

It’s OK to feel a little ghostly.

Steven Savage