(Guest post by Carrie Bailey)
I write. Some people would say I’m a self-published author looking to go the traditional route with my next book, but I like to think of my self as an amateur author ready to go pro. Why not? I need the money. Yeah, I know, it is possible to build up an author platform and market your books yourself, but the process is time consuming. Sure, absolutely, I’m indie until I die, but I also want to sell out so I can afford to stay indie on my time off when I’m not busy selling out.
That’s why I need Bender to be my literary agent. I realize he is fictional. I haven’t lost touch with reality – no. And, yes, I am aware his work experience involves bending, drinking, smoking, and sitting around a delivery warehouse. And I’m sure he doesn’t spend all too much time reading, but in my Futurama loving heart, he’s the right robot for the job.
When I finish my post-apocalyptic adventure, I need an agent to SELL my book, not hold on to it, overlook it, or stuff it under the foot of their desk. Everyone knows you don’t pay him or her up front. You’re supposed to locate an agent with good connections. And they say aim for agents who have already sold to reputable publishers. Blah, blah, blah. I just want Bender.
Assuming the tin can from wouldn’t just toss it in the trash or trade it for a box of cigars and one night with robot floozies, Bender is my vision of what would make a great literary agent. Bender will lie for me. Okay, exaggerate substantially. And that’s necessary. Most writers don’t realize they need to bend the truth to convince people they’re special. You’ve targeted your market. You’ve written a great story. It’s polished and popular with everyone who has seen it. That, unfortunately, means rather little. Just check the actual number of self-published authors writing today. A percentage of them are GOOD. A percentage of that percentage is as good and TARGETED as any book that gets published. Getting traditionally published is still about the odds. Artists and writers are all good at what they do for one reason or another, but we tend to believe that books that make money do so because they’re inherently better.
Nope. They’re just better promoted. Bender wouldn’t allow any ridiculousness to get in the way of making a profit off of my work. He’s stroke my ego, call me baby, and swear I’d be swimming in a pool of titanium wristwatches on my own yacht by the end of the week. Then, he’d go and lie to publishers, too. He’d set me apart from everyone else by believing in me. And that’s what I need.
I think every writer deserves editors who deliver the utter and naked truth and an agent who does exactly the opposite.